A different kind of post today.
I've been thinking a lot lately about trust and openness.
I've always typically been a 'closed' person - I share certain things with certain people, I draw lines in the sand as to how far I feel I can trust different people in my Life, and I stick to it rigidly.
Recently though, I've noticed that I've started to open up. Like this blog - a few months ago, I couldn't have imagined sharing this much of what goes on in my head, in a public domain.
And that got me thinking - what's going on? And is this a good thing?
Well, I can summarise it down to two reasons very clearly:
1. I'm finally really starting to let go of my need for others' approval and in the process, I'm letting go of my 'perfectionising'.
2. I've always been told life is short, but I am actually starting to realise this.
FIRSTLY - I made massive progress in terms of my need for others' approval while on a solo trip overseas this year. Hearing my own thoughts and insecurities being reflected back to me, louder and clearer with no-one else around to impact my thinking, I realised that this craving desire for others to simply like me, or at least tolerate me, was underlying a lot of my actions and behaviours.
Throughout the entire trip, I began to observe myself doing this - saying certain things that I didn't believe in to make others happy, putting a 'stopper' on my naturally passionate personality so it did not intimidate others, and being afraid to voice disagreements for fear of disapproval.
On the final day of the trip, a cloud lifted, and suddenly, I didn't care. I acted in a way that made me proud - and rather than meeting with disapproval, people embraced the sureness and confidence I had that day about myself. It was an awesome day - a big breakthrough. In a way as well, it was moving through a FEAR (shameless plug much?) - http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/is-boogieman-ruling-your-life.html
I guess this also links in with my tendency to 'perfectionise'. Newsflash self, we're all tremendously imperfect, and I'm learning to be totally cool with all the annoying things about me - you have to accept things first, before you can change them. Which makes it easier for me to share the insecurities without a fear of being judged - because I'm learning that we all have issues. I could go ON and ON about perfectionism, but that's for another day ;)
SECONDLY - this one sounds a bit morbid, but I'm slowly starting to realise that we really do have a very, very limited time on this planet - and very little control over what happens to us. So why limit myself and squander this precious time, by trying to fit others' expectations? It's detrimental to me, to not be myself. I know I still have a fair way to go, but this small realisation is slowly changing me in big ways.
Interesting stuff right?
So now to the second part of the question - is it a good thing, becoming an 'open book'? I can only answer this based on what I know right now, and for me now, it's about balance. It's about learning who and when to trust, and to what extent.
I know from experience that I can't trust everyone I come across - trying to do this has gotten me into some sticky situations. But at the same time, not sharing and not trusting anyone is kinda what has turned us into the 'isolated' society we have become.
So what's the answer? I think it all comes back to the same thing I always harp on about - how in touch you are with your self.
Because for me, the more you know and understand your self, the more you know and understand people.
What makes us tick is fundamentally the same, world over. And once you figure that out, you'll know how to work the 'Trust flow'. (Copyright)
If my sense of self is strong, I will have the full confidence of knowing that in whatever situation Life throws at me, I will act out of 'self love'. Because a person who acts out of total appreciation and love for everything that they are, can never do any harm to another. Think about this, I believe in this so strongly. And FYI: self-love does not equate to selfishness or ego. These are signs of lack of self-love - but more on this in another blog post.
Honestly, I don't even know if what I'm saying is making total sense, Trust is a topic that I'm still learning about. But being an intuitive person, I can tell you how I feel - I feel a lot better being more open with people about certain things, than I felt being closed about my dreams and passions. And I am learning - when and what to say to who and how. It's an Art.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Are you more 'open' or 'closed'? And have you ever thought about why?
Til' next time!
Peace & Love,
A.
hmmm...selective openness...food for thought indeed...
ReplyDeleteHaha, glad it made you ponder Abi :) Thanks for the comment!
DeleteI have that same kinda problem, where I worry that people will judge me(hence this anonymous post =P), and find myself having different masks for different sets of people. Wish I had the confidence to just BE ME, rather than continually having different personalities with different people... Good luck with it, hope you manage to integrate your personality, and stay true to yourself!
ReplyDeleteThanks Anon! I'm still learning but these little techniques and 'aha moments' have made a massive difference, and trust me if the self-doubting and self-critical schoolkid I was 6 years ago can slowly develop the confidence to be her true self around more and more people, you most definitely 100% can. Just keep reminding yourself of how totally awesome you are - I think we forget sometimes. And seriously, the rest just falls into place. Thanks so much for your comment!
DeleteGreat post! I can personally say that I have seen this in action with you over the years and it is just amazing.
ReplyDeleteI remember over 6 months ago you were seeking a lot of others approvals to help yourself be sure, but now you have learnt that you need to be sure first!
Being open is important in our lives and society because without it you would not be able to form meaningful and deep relationships. I find that I will open up to many people not because my objective is to get the to trust me. It is more to usually connect with the other person. Through experiences and understanding aimed at helping each other you naturally will breath life into how much you both will trust each other.
Wow Richard, I can't believe you actually noticed the change - usually its an internal thing and you dont think others can see what a different person you have become - very cool.
DeleteCompletely agree - I've learnt that by not opening up, I am less likely to have those beautiful rich conversations about life and relationships just stay at that superficial layer. So it has definitely strengthened the quality of my rships too :)
Hi! I know I've told you this before, but i love what you're doing with this blog :)
ReplyDeleteSo.. I'm very pro-sharing. Because really, once you've overcome that fear of disapproval, what bad can come out of being open and honest?
I used to worry a lot about what people thought, and when people asked me how I was, I'd generally avoid telling them about my problems for fear of being disliked (it sounds almost silly now!). Having overcome that fear, I'm able to share with anyone I want. It's allowed me to share my happiness with people, or find new insight into problems by hearing different perspectives.
When i think about who are the people I'm closest to, they're the ones I can be open with and share anything I want with, without fear of judgement. By being open I'm finding I can build these kind of relationships with even more of the people around me, and it's an amazing feeling!
And if you need yet another reason, (for me at least) this all ties back into the power of your word. When I give my word and commit to achieving something, it starts out as a thought in my head. When I start to share it with people, my word takes on that much more meaning and power. Because once you've shared it, it's out there in the open and those people can now hold you to it! Not only that, they can even help you along the way.
Having said all this, it hasn't meant I go blabbing to everyone :) I think the most empowering thing is knowing I can share with anyone I want and there's no fears holding me back.
I'm tempted to just copy and paste your comment and put it into the post itself - you've summarised everything perfectly. I'm thinking about it now, and because I've started sharing, its like a whole new dimension has opened up, and like you said, I'm building deeper rships with a broader range of people - I guess it comes back down to the fact that these sorts of issues and thoughts are universal and its the thread that connects us all...and in a way, it's like tapping into that thread and accessing a deeper form of human interaction.
DeleteAnd I agree, knowing that you can share things without fear is an empowering feeling - and choosing who to share it with is also a form of empowerment.
Your point about empowerment is really striking a chord with me - and it's making me see that being fearless can impact so many facets of your life, and it all comes down to self-empowerment. I love that - self empowerment! And I love your comment, keep writing!